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My Weaknesses

February 6, 2010

When I was writing the post about my strengths, I was also thinking about my weaknesses. I have quite a few of them.

The interesting thing is is that my weaknesses generally never played out like people normally assume, so for a while, when I was growing up, I thought I was so ahead of the game. (Now, I realize that unfortunately isn’t true.)

What do I mean? Well, what are vices that most people assume from teenagers? I think most people — especially in the church — are on the lookout for law of chastity violations, word of wisdom violations, and those things. I did not and do not have a problem with those…didn’t even come close.

But if I could summarize some of my weaknesses and character defects, this is probably how I would put them:

I am pretty prideful. A few posts back, I was wrestling with a dislike and aversion to apologize to someone…and I realized, that’s some pride there. Normally, I like to think of myself as being relatively humble (if you think of yourself as humble…that isn’t very modest, hmm…), but when it comes to apologies, here is one place I recognize, hands down, I try to avoid.

I like to save face though, so if I’m incredibly embarrassed and think an apology would help, I’ll do that. Isn’t that strange?

Another weakness is that I have an absolutely cutting, acidic, acerbic tongue. I always want to bash, attack, insult, or make a joke out of people. This alone is bad enough, but it works with my next weakness (if you have been keeping up with the last entry, this next one is also a strength.)

I am competitive. I play to win and value things based on winning. Things aren’t fun unless I’m winning, understanding, or comprehending. If I’m losing, I’ll get in a sour mood. What’s even worse is that my conversations are mostly the same way. I play to win, not to learn. (I happen to lose a lot though, and this really wrecks my day.)

When it goes to insulting or attacking people, or making fun of people, it combines to this effect where I’m doing so to get as many laughs as possible. The problem? The more laughs, the more humiliation. And if the other person tries to lob a few jokes or insults back, things will escalate because I play to win. If I’m losing (in public perception or in fact), I won’t be happy.

Normally, I like my competitiveness because it does motivate me to a higher standard. However, it’s also in many ways a kill-joy. People always talk about “finding things you love to do,” and I have thought that I have found those things. However, on certain occasions I have realized instead that I don’t have things I love to do no matter what. Instead, I love to win, to understand, to comprehend — the things I think I love just happen to be those I can excel at, win at, understand, or comprehend. The way I can tell I love the winning more than the activity itself is when I’m not winning. Or when I come to a concept I don’t get. Ugh. Worst times ever.

I do not execute well. I can come up with elaborate plans, analyze options to find the best one, but depending on the effort required to execute the plan (for example, finding others with experience or expertise is a big stumbling block), I will forgo execution. I often have to strategize against this weakness…by chunking activities in such a way that the things I need to do become the “path of least resistance.” (If I invest money in something, which is not tough to do, but will require me to do a lot of deliberation, then I will make myself get my money’s worth by doing whatever it is I bought. If I were to, say, buy a gym membership, I wouldn’t be one of those people who fizzle out. Every time I saw the membership fee, I’d be motivated to go. [This actually gives me a funny, yet tragic story. I’ve been thinking about buying an e-reader for a while, to get back into reading. But the library is full of books for free!])

As a result of some of these final weaknesses (especially against executing/achieving/doing), I think I’m a pretty lackluster person. I know so many people who are doing amazing things…study abroads and internships and projects and what-not, but I do not see the motivation or drive.

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  1. I knew there was a reason I liked your blog so much. It’s because our weaknesses dovetail so well. šŸ™‚

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Church as the Salle of Life « Irresistible (Dis)Grace
  2. Arguing to win « Irresistible (Dis)Grace
  3. Fortresses and Keeps…at Wheat and Tares « Irresistible (Dis)Grace

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