Straight Marriage for Gay People

I’ve heard this conversation much too often:

Gay person: “Why can’t I have the right to marry?”

Other person: “You have the same right to marry as everyone else — just to someone of the opposite sex.”

And you know, I think that this kind of thought process misses the point. So, I understand, as it is now, everyone has the same rights and lack of rights — everyone has a right to marry someone of the opposite sex. No one has the right to marry someone of the same sex. But really, the problem is that people are fighting for rights to marry people they love and are in love with.

But that’s not really what this post is about. I just had to get that out there.

Really, what if the hypothetical gay person in the scenario listens to the other person and decides — “oh, what the heck. I’ll go out and do it. I’ll get married to someone of the opposite sex.”?

This has always troubled me.

I guess the situation is more delicate than it could have been because this isn’t just some radical idea. This is something that people have actually done and people do. I don’t know how common these so-called “mixed orientation marriages” are, but I do know that I’ve talked to people who are in them, read blogs about marriages that are sticking, marriages that have not, couples who both know about one partner’s homosexuality, and couples where the gay partner hides it.

The last one in particularly really bothers me…how does someone propose to go into something as big as marriage without disclosing something that big? I mean, I really don’t care if someone thinks its just an affliction or just an inclination that they can’t give in to, but the fact is that is a major part of that person. It is something that should be known before they start playing with people’s lives.

I’m glad that the church has moved to a point where they do not condone this. I’m glad that the church recognizes it “doesn’t usually solve the problem” and that people should have more respect for the women involved as well (I mean, I know this isn’t how it is, but it seems like some guys might be using these women as tools so that they can look like they are reaching some church-defined standard of righteousness — I guess the immense pressures for family and marriage from the church contribute to that some.)

But still, I’m reading blogs where people personally struggle with the issue because they want to be normal and normalized…and it’s painful. gamburgery thinks about the issue himself:

On the other hand, this [homosexuality] is still a huge problem. It’s forcing me to rethink my goals and aspirations. For example, I really want to get married, love a woman, raise a family. Problem: how to love a woman when attracted to men? I am not convinced that this is an insurmountable barrier, but a solution has yet to present itself. Can I pursue a healthy heterosexual relationship while attraction to other guys persists? I don’t know. I hope so.

It’s painful. This guy has internalized…he “knows for himself” that it’s “true” that homosexual acts are bad. So, with this attitude, it’s not like he could just pursue a relationship he is oriented too, because the religious beliefs he clings to have him bound.

I guess what matters is whow both people in the relationship react to this. I can’t find the blog, but I was reading one man’s story — he feared to tell his wife anything about his orientation because he know that if she found out, she might react very negatively. At the same time, for other couples, the relationship still stays. I just don’t know — how must it feel to know that even though your spouse loves you very much, he or she might never love you in the way that he/she loves someone else and he/she still decides to be with you over those others. I guess it’s kinda romantic on its own.